Steadfast Care Planning
Steadfast Care Planning is for people who want to learn how to best plan for their longevity including how to navigate extended care, long-term care insurance options, and other challenges that older adults face. Join Kelly Augspurger, Certified Senior Advisor (CSA)® and long-term care insurance specialist as she has thought-provoking conversations with industry professionals. Tune in as Kelly guides you on how to plan for care to live well.
Steadfast Care Planning
How to Get Unstuck as a Caregiver with Kay Coughlin
Join Kelly and her guest, Kay Coughlin, business coach and advocate for family caregivers. Today we’re talking about how to get unstuck as a caregiver.
In this episode:
🔹 How caregivers can reduce stress and prioritize themselves
🔹 Setting boundaries – learning the art of saying yes and no
🔹 How caregivers can start to get unstuck
“Kind people say no too” – Kay’s podcast episode
Nami.org – National Alliance on Mental Illness – support and encouragement
Watch this episode on YouTube:
https://youtu.be/HV1LLkAIVOg
Find out more about Kay Coughlin:
https://facilitatoronfire.net/
For additional information about Kelly, check her out on Linkedin or www.SteadfastAgents.com.
To explore your options for long-term care insurance, click here.
Steadfast Care Planning podcast is made possible by Steadfast Insurance LLC,
Certification in Long Term Care, and AMADA Senior Care.
Come back next time for more helpful guidance!
Hey everyone, welcome to Steadfast Care Planning where we plan for care to live well. I'm your guide, Kelly Augspurger. Today I have with me Kay Coughlin. Kay is a business coach and advocate for family caregivers. She's also the podcast host of "From One Caregiver to Another," as well as a caregiver, wife, and mom. Kay was actually on with me last week discussing the Human Giver Syndrome, caregiving and the holidays, so be sure to go back and listen to part one. It was so good that we decided to continue with the part two. Welcome Kay, thanks so much for being here!
Hi, again, Kelly. It's so great to have you back.
I'd love to continue this conversation with you Kay about caregiving. People are going to be gathering together with family and caregiving as a whole, family caregiving, is a topic that does not get discussed enough. So I'd love to dig in more deeply with you about caregiving. And and we know that it can be very stressful to be a caregiver. So how can caregivers reduce stress and prioritize themselves?
I think the number one thing to remember is that even though you have family caregiver responsibilities, so you're a person who does have those responsibilities, you are allowed to reduce stress. You are allowed to take care of yourself and put yourself first. And the reason I think it's really important to say that is one of the number one misconceptions we have about being a family caregiver, is that it is all consuming. And once you take on that role of being a family caregiver, "Well sucks to be you. Guess you're just going to have to put everybody else first for the rest of time." And that is not actually true, it is what people are going to tell you. Or at least the way people are going to act around you is like you just don't get to have your own life anymore. And that is the number one myth that we have to completely abolish. I actually am trying to figure out how to create, hopefully a national movement, where there is an expectation that family caregivers will get eight consecutive hours off everyday. That we will stop treating this as 24/7 unpaid labor, and that we will start to say to people we know in our lives. You know, are you taking that time off? Are you getting the sleep that you need? And if not, what do you need? And we just have to remember that we are allowed to have our own needs as individual humans. I'm going to tell you, it's not an easy thing to do when most of the people around you are, quite frankly, their life is more convenient if you're just taking care of everything. And so it is a matter of you deciding for yourself. I mean, I'm a caregiver, too. I know how hard this is. You and I we have to decide for ourselves that we are allowed to have our own health and our own life and our own sleep. Then once we believe that, the next step is figuring out what do we need and then as hard as it is starting to tell that to people.
So giving yourself permission to take care of yourself, right? I think being self aware, I know that I've heard you talk about this before that self awareness and even being gentle with yourself. You know, you need to physically, emotionally, mentally take care of yourself and so allowing yourself the opportunity to do that and not constantly sacrificing yourself for another person because if you do that, you're not going to be able to care for that person for long term. Would you agree? If you're continuing to sacrifice day in and day out, and you're not caring yourself?
Yes, yeah. So one of the things that I hear all the time, and it's really something I'm working to change is I hear people say, "Oh, you should get some help, so you can be a better caregiver." And what I'm here to say is no, no, no, no, no, you should get some help, so that you can be the best person who you are as a person. Now, I don't think it's wrong to want to be a better caregiver. For those of us who have those duties. You know, I think that's virtuous, right? I would like to be a better caregiver, but it's not the only thing in my life. It is not the only thing that I do and if I get help, it's because I want to be the best person I can be in all situations. To a lot of people that's going to sound selfish. And I think the answer to that is okay. I mean, it's okay to be a little selfish here. Look, if someone is listening to this and really cringes when I even say the word selfish, that's because we're taught to believe that we should never put ourselves first. It's that Human Giver Syndrome that we talked about last week and it's not true, you know, you're a whole human with your own needs. And that's really okay. So the trick here is to catch yourself every time when you think, "Oh, I should put this other person first or it's okay if I don't eat or it's okay if I don't sleep." You have to catch yourself having those thoughts and doing those behaviors. Then you have a real chance of choosing something else for yourself instead.
Allowing time for rest, exercise, health, physical health, mental health, all the areas, right?
Yes and those apply to people with caregiver responsibilities, just as they do any human on the planet and every human on the planet. One of the things I find myself saying a lot is every human has a right to take care of themselves and that's literally the way it is. But I have to say that because a lot of us were raised that the world is not equal in that way. Now, I'm not saying the world is fair, but we all have a human right to have our basic needs met every single one of us.
Agree and so in order for us to do this, we need to set boundaries, right? We need to set expectations and boundaries.
You got it. We need to set expectations and boundaries. We need to say to people, "Okay, here's the responsibilities, here's who's going to do what, here's when they're going to do it, here's what it's going to cost." You know, all the things you have to do and those are expectations. "Here's maybe deadlines, here's when doctor appointments are, here's when I'm going to sleep, other people, hey, fill in." And then the boundary decisions are the decisions we make about what's okay with us and what's not okay with us. And what we are going to do when things come up that aren't okay with us, and what actions we're going to take. So expectations are kind of about we, you know, what we as a group are deciding on in terms of responsibilities, where boundaries are only about you, maybe about, you know, family members, like if you have children, you're protecting that kind of thing, but it's only about you. I guarantee you there are going to be people in your group who don't agree with your boundary decisions and that's okay. Yeah, you know, we're all humans, we all get to be different.
Can you explain how caregivers can do this well? How they can set boundaries?
You've talked about the art of saying no and the art of saying yes. So what does this tangibly look like in real life?
Well, we have to give ourselves, there it is again, give ourselves permission to look at a situation and decide what's right for us. So one of the other myths about caregiving is that because we have caregiver responsibilities, that everybody else just gets to tell us what's going to happen and I don't think that that's true at all. So part of the art of saying no, and the art of saying yes, is really intentionally choosing what you want, and what you don't want. And then of course, you know, part of the art of that is learning to communicate that to people when you need to. I know that that's really hard to do, but it all goes back to knowing that you get to make some decisions. I mean, you know, it's the holidays. Let's talk about what if somebody shows up at your doorstep with an overnight bag and says, "Hey, I'm staying in your guest room tonight."
What do we do? How do respond?
I mean, it's yeah, that's not a given. You don't have to say that. Actually, in one of my recent podcast episodes, I give a script for how you would handle that. But you can say, "Oh, it's so good to see you, but I don't have a guest room available tonight." Part of the art of saying no, by the way, this is really hard, is saying no and then just stop talking. Don't justify it. Don't rationalize it. Don't open up negotiations, you know, if what you're saying is really kind of a hard no then just say the thing and stop. Then repeat the thing if you need to. You don't have to argue, you don't have to negotiate if you don't want to. In a situation where someone shows up and really tries to take advantage of you is probably one of those times to just say, actually, that's not going to happen and then just stop talking.
Oh my goodness, that is so hard. I find myself often when I'm saying no, I give a very long and detailed reason. This is why I can't do it, so that they're they "Oh, we understand." No, I don't have to do that. You don't have to do that right?
It doesn't make your no any stronger.
Yeah, but it feels like it does, right? It feels like it eases the no.
Well, okay. Well, all right, we've been tricked. That is what we've been taught. What we've been taught is that Human Giver Syndrome - we should try to make other people more comfortable at all costs. So if we try to soften a no, in order to kind of protect their feelings, then what we're doing is we're really opening a door for them to ignore our no. And so one of the things to do, one of the parts of the art of saying no, is to remember that your responsibility is to be clear and thoughtful. Now, however another person reacts isn't your responsibility, and it's also not your fault. I mean everybody in my family who is an adult is an adult. We all get to have our own feelings. Sometimes we're gonna disagree, that's all fine, but you know, sometimes when you, I'll say most of the time when you say no, you probably are willing to negotiate about something. It's just life. It's a give and take. Sometimes you're gonna say no, and it's more of an ultimatum, right? Like, no, get off my doorstep. You're not staying here tonight. You don't have to say it that way, unless you want to. Be my guest. Today, whatever works for you, but if you don't want to negotiate, stop talking. Don't negotiate. It's really hard because when you try to soften it, guess what, you soften it and then people try to take advantage of you.
Yeah, this is so important, I think in all relationships in our lives, right? Not just for family caregivers. Yes, it's very important for family caregivers, but for people in general, being able to say yes, and to say no, and to set expectations and set boundaries. Do you think it's harder for caregivers to do this more than typical people that are not caregivers? Or do you think it's equally as challenging?
I think that probably has to do with the individual person. Okay, if it's hard for you to say no or if you feel like you have to say yes in order to take care of other people's feelings all the time, then that will be more of a challenge for you if you happen to also have family caregiver duties. I mean, I have friends who are family caregivers, who have no problem saying no, who absolutely can speak up in a doctor's office if they feel like something is going wrong, or people's wishes are being ignored, or if they have questions that aren't being answered. But those are people who would handle it that way in real life anyway. So probably the thing to do here is to look at the rest of your life and if you know that you always have a problem and we talked about this in the last episode, being a people pleaser, or being a perfectionist, you're going to carry that around with you. That's going to come into what you're like as a caregiver as well and if those are things about you, that you think hold you back anyway, then this may be an opportunity to get some help and figure out how to work around that. Or maybe make some different decisions so that those things don't keep holding you back.
Yeah, reach out for help. Reach out to Kay, reach out to someone that's a professional and qualified in order to help you manage.
Get help, get help. Let me tell you, I do have a podcast episode that is called "Kind People Say No Too." One of the things we really confuse is the idea that in order to be kind, you can't say no. And that could not be farther from the truth. So I would really recommend that as kind of a companion to what we're talking about here today.
Yeah, thanks for that. Yeah, we'll add that in the show notes.
And now for a brief message from our show sponsor. The Steadfast Care Planning podcast is sponsored by the CLTC, Certified in Long Term Care Training Program, which gives financial advisors tools to discuss extended care planning with their clients. Look for the CLTC designation when choosing an advisor.
The overwhelming experience of being a caregiver can keep people stuck, unable to really make changes to situations relationships, beliefs and emotions. So where do caregivers start in order to get unstuck, Kay?
Yeah, well I think probably the most important thing to do is to find somebody to talk to. Don't be isolated. That's it. It's a vicious cycle. You know, we think that we're doing something wrong. If caregiving is hard, or if we have some, some really, really hard emotions, like resentment or frustration or anger at the person we're caring for, and our first instinct really as caregivers. And I mean, I'm saying me because I get this, I know how this works. It's happened to me, is we want to hide that from people. And what happens then is we get isolated and then you get more isolated, you get more isolated and it's extremely unhealthy to try to deal with those things in isolation. So if you are stuck, I know I keep saying get help, but that really can be from a community of people your trust, maybe a support group that you're in, if you have a therapist or a counselor or coach, maybe you just start by talking to your primary care physician. They may or may not be super helpful. I mean, it depends on the physician, but the idea here is to train yourself to start asking for help. That's so so difficult for most of us. That is the number one way to get unstuck is to find somebody to talk to, and then go from there. What I have learned is that if you try to manage it on your own, nothing is going to change. The overwhelm, the stress, the overload, if you try to continue to do all of that alone, it's just not going to get any better. People tell me all the time, "But I don't have anybody to turn to." I want to tell you that I believe you, now I also know better. I know that there are people that you can turn to, you're not used to doing it, it's not a habit that you have. And so that's why I say start with somebody easy, like maybe your doctor or somebody at church or you know, a friend that you can talk to. Reach out to get help from Nami if you need to, nami.org. They have a free crisis text line. I'll give you the give you the number for that too. And you can put it in the show notes. There are lots of places you can get help. If the primary thought that you're carrying around in your head is "But I'm alone and there's nobody to help me," that will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. So we have to learn to see that and recognize that and say "That thought itself is holding me back, I need to get some help."
I would imagine the last two plus years with COVID that this is even more elevated. Would you think that in working with the clients that you help in dealing with a lot of these feelings and boundaries and feeling that sense of being stuck? Do you think it's been worse in COVID for caregivers?
I do think it's worse because I think a lot of people, a lot of also systems and organizations have used it as an excuse to say, "Well, we just can't help you right now." And if you hear that enough from people, you really do start to take that in. You start to think "Well, everybody's just going to tell me that they can't help me, that there's no help available that there's no funding for that, whatever." And so we have to learn to be really assertive and say "Really, are you sure you can't help me? Are you should there's nothing available?" Because it has become a knee jerk reaction for these big organizations to say, "Well, there's nothing we can do." And if we learn to say, "Hang on a second, is that really true? Is there really nothing you can do?" That's the way that we will, you know, learn to get help from some of those big systems again. Teach them to help us again, but then also kind of make it like our knee jerk reaction to say, "Except I need help and so I need you to, I really need you to get on helping me figure this out."
I feel like we have so many resources now available and virtually, I think now more than ever, because of COVID. I think so many systems that I'm familiar with, they're offering services virtually, that they weren't doing before, but we have to look for it. Caregivers and people have to look for that help and can't just sit back and "Woe is me." You can improve, you can get unstuck, you can be empowered, but you have to ask for it.
You have to ask for it because if on your own you've gotten to a place where you're that overloaded and that overwhelmed and look, I have been there, you know, if you got yourself into that, the chances that you'll be able to get yourself out of that are pretty small because your nervous system is kind of already overwhelmed. So you know, reach out and get some help and I'm gonna tell you start literally anywhere. If you reach out to somebody, and they tell you no, or some people have made fun of me or told me I should be ashamed of myself for asking for help, deal with the pain of that. "That really sucks," then move on. You know, don't let yourself be isolated. Please don't let anyone tell you that old line, "Well, I guess that's just the way it is for you now. I guess that's just your lot in life because of what you have going on." I am here to tell you, no, that is so unhealthy. So don't let anybody try to convince you of that. You can always say "No thank you" and you can walk away from that conversation.
Right. Well Kay, any other advice on how people can plan for care to live well?
Oh, get help. I mean, get help. Planning for care is so complicated. I mean, it differs depending on where you live and depending on whether you're related to the person you might be caring for, and what your own circumstances are. And if you have your own family. It is so complicated that you literally can't do it on your own. Find what's available in your area, you know, it could be a Senior Services Center, it could be a planning organization like Kelly's. Get started somewhere. I have a resources page on my website where I try to list some of the places where you can start to find some help with all kinds of planning. And that's just on my website at / sources is where that is. And actually, I'll link to Kelly's organization there too, to steadfast care planning. So that if you're in Ohio, you can reach out to Kelly, but the real answer is get help. What have we said that 47 times in this episode? I don't even know. It's that important.
That is the key takeaway, right? You need to get help. It's nearly impossible to do this on your own. You need professionals, you need community. And there are plenty of resources out there in order to help you do that, but you have to seek it. And we want we want to reduce stress, prioritize ourselves, learn how to say yes, learn how to say no, set those expectations, set those boundaries, so that you can get unstuck and live well.
Yeah, that's a lot. It's really complicated. Being a human is really complicated, you just don't have to do it on your own.
Right, right. Well, Kay, thank you so much. Where can people find more information about you?
You find everything at my website, which is facilitatoronfire.net. If what you want to do is find the podcast, you go to facilitatoronfire.net/podcast and that will take you right to my podcast page. Although you can find the podcast on pretty much any podcast app or podcast service that you use, but anyway that's the page that will take you directly to it.
And I highly recommend it "From One Caregiver to Another." Kay has such thoughtful conversations with people and then even sometimes just talking to you the audience but so much value there. Highly recommend it. Kay, thank you so much for your time. I really appreciate it. Have a great day.
It's been great being here with you, Kelly, thank you.
Take care. Bye bye.
