Steadfast Care Planning

Family Caregiving & How to Set Expectations with Kay Coughlin

December 06, 2022 Kelly Augspurger Season 1 Episode 6
Steadfast Care Planning
Family Caregiving & How to Set Expectations with Kay Coughlin
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Join Kelly and her guest: Kay Coughlin, business coach and advocate for family caregivers. Today we’re talking about family caregiving and how to set expectations.

In this episode: why planning for care and caregiving is not a priority for most people, how people can set expectations around these difficult conversations with their families, how to navigate expectations around the holidays, and Human Giver Syndrome.

 

Watch this episode on YouTube:

https://youtu.be/5S4dRywST6o 

 

Find out more about Kay Coughlin:

https://facilitatoronfire.net/

For additional information about Kelly, check her out on Linkedin or www.SteadfastAgents.com.

To explore your options for long-term care insurance, click here.

Steadfast Care Planning podcast is made possible by Steadfast Insurance LLC,
Certification in Long Term Care, and AMADA Senior Care Columbus.

Come back next time for more helpful guidance!

Unknown:

Hey everyone, welcome to Steadfast Care Planning where we plan for care to live well. I'm your guide, Kelly Augspurger. Today I have with me Kay Coughlin. Kay is a business coach and advocate for family caregivers. She's also the podcast host of "From One Caregiver to Another" as well as a caregiver, wife and mom. Welcome, Kay, thanks so much for being here! Oh, Kelly,I can't even tell you how delighted I am to be here with you today. Thank you so much. Yes, I can't wait for our audience to get all of this expertise and wisdom from you. So let's just jump right in. We're going to be talking really the month of December about family caregiving. And so Kay is going to kick off this month for us. So my first question Kay is we know that planning for care and caregiving is not at the top of most people's priority list, right? Why do you think people don't want to plan and instead default to reacting when a crisis happens? Yeah, look, I think something that's really important for all of us to remember is that this stuff is hard, because we haven't seen anybody do it. And mostly we're getting into stuff that's taboo, or culturally, really icky to talk about. When you have to talk about care planning, or life care planning, or anything like that, or even something like a will, you're really getting into territory that most people are afraid to go into because it means that we have to be vulnerable, you know, we have to talk about getting sick, we have to talk about death, and dying, and what that's going to look like and what we want and don't want. And you know, here in the West, we don't talk about those things. It's not encouraged and it's legally complicated. You know, the documents for life care planning, so you know, whatever you need to have with you in case you should get sick. Those aren't even necessarily the same from state to state. So we're talking about something that's really complicated. And most people have a lot of other stuff going on and so when you put together cultural taboos, family fears that we've inherited, maybe a family member who gets angry when you ask about it, the cost of doing it when you add all of that stuff together, planning is just not something that we're encouraged to do. Sure, it'd be great if people did it, but there's huge obstacles to overcome. And I know for a fact that that's what holds most people back. It's so uncomfortable and it's so foreign. So I really just want to reassure everybody listening, and this is something I say a lot, you're not broken. If this seems like it's really hard. It is really, really hard. It's hard for everybody. You know, is it something we should do? Yes. Is that an automatic way to overcome all of those roadblocks? No, I'm sorry, it's not. So that's I think those are the reasons that we avoid planning. Yeah, I agree. There is a lot of fear there. And the complexity of it is just so great that it's almost like well, it's too much for me right now that I'll deal with it later. It's easy to put off because it just feels so heavy, but when we put it off and if we get to a crisis, that's when it's even harder because there's so many emotions at play, right? If something happens to a loved one, maybe there's a fall or there's a diagnosis or something like that, where care is needed, emotions are at an all time high and so we're often reacting out of these heightened emotions, which often we're not making good decisions then. So if we can really address this upfront and plan for care for the future, when everyone is healthy, and everyone is in the right mind, then our future, we're going to be better off, right? Yeah and so one of the things that we really have to do and actually, you know, what you do professionally really comes into play is we have to find a way to make these conversations less emotionally loaded, more neutral, you know, we have to be willing to learn the language of deescalating a conversation. You know, this is something that I do with my clients quite a lot. Whether we're talking about business, which is you know, my main area of coaching or whether we get into the family caregiving, which many of my clients are caregivers, is we actually will practice having conversations so that we can learn and memorize that language of how to deescalate a conversation. Because look, if you're talking to somebody about something like a will and you ask a question, it's highly likely that someone is going to say something to you like "Are you accusing me of not planning? Are you accusing me of loving your sister more than I love you?" And we have to have the language to be able to really neutralize those situations so that we can have rational conversations and that is just not easy to do. And actually, in that situation, language that I would recommend is probably,"Oh, no, I actually didn't say those words at all. I'm really curious. This is information that I need." You have to give people the chance to be able to back down from what's kind of like throwing a loaded grenade into a conversation. Yeah because otherwise, they're going to be on the defense, right? They're going to feel attacked, if you're coming at that person with that language. But if you're able to diffuse it and neutralize the situation with positive language, and I think even coming from an area of love. The reason that we're planning is because we love you, because I love you. And so let's do this now so that in the future everyone is better off. So I think if we approach it from a positive standpoint, and not attack and say "Oh, I can't believe you haven't done this yet. How dare you!" No, that's not going to start the conversation off well, but to be able to come and say, "Hey, listen, this is really important to me. This is really important to our family, we love you so much." So we know that in the future receiving care is highly likely, at some point in our lives, so what can we do now, to plan for care to live well? Where do you want to receive care? How you're going to pay for care? And what is that going to look like? Who's going to provide that care? So getting the family together in a positive, uplifting way, right, rather than attacking? Yea, one of the things that I always tell caregivers is it's okay to put yourself in that conversation too. So it really is okay to say to your dad, or to your mom, when something happens to you, I'm gonna have to be the one to make decisions, I would rather make decisions that you want, but when it comes down to it, this is my life, and I'm going to be making choices for you. And so what I need you to do right now is help me understand what you want to make that easier for me and you know, as caregivers, we're taught to take ourselves out of the equation entirely. And what I'm saying is put yourself back in it, it's okay to say, this is really hard for me to and I need your help to make this easier for me. Yeah, I love that, Kay. Mostly what I see and what's such a surprise for caregivers is we're still kind of in the back seat, usually until something goes wrong and then we're expected to step up and handle circumstances that we haven't been trained for, and probably don't have the information for and oftentimes take the blame for that. This is something that we really have to shift, it's something we really have to fix because as a caregiver myself, I can tell you, it is so frustrating to be in a doctor's appointment with my mom, who doesn't even need all that much help for me, but to be in a doctor's appointment with my mom, where it's as if I'm not in the room. Many times, physicians will make appointments without checking with me and my mother doesn't drive anymore. So if I'm not going to take her, we have to figure something out. And so I would say to caregivers, don't expect that you will all of a sudden be in the foreground, you will probably be responsible for what's happening in the foreground. But I would say don't expect to get that kind of attention because to date, that has not been my experience. Now I am trying to change that I am working to change that, but I do think that's the reality right now. A lot of the responsibility is going to fall on you, taking to appointments, maybe physically providing the care, but when it comes to doctors, and maybe other people, they may not communicate with you very well. I actually think that should be our expectation at this point is that we will need to learn how to speak up and say I have to be a part of this conversation. Right and demand it. Right and now life care planning is one of those things that actually puts us back into the equation because if we are a part of that planning with any kind of a professional whether someone works with you Kelly or whether they're working with, you know, an elder care attorney or who they might be working with, and their parent is there, then people become accustomed to including you in the discussion. We just have to start training people that we are here too, we caregivers, and we deserve to get some attention and respect as well. And now for a brief message from

our show sponsor:

The Steadfast Care Planning podcast is sponsored by the CLTC, Certified in Long Term Care, training program, which gives financial advisors tools to discuss extended care planning with their clients. Look for the CLTC designation when choosing an advisor. Holidays are coming up, which means we are going to be gathering with our families. So how can we set expectations around these difficult conversations that need to take place and set expectations around the holidays in general? Okay, so my personal advice usually, or a recommendation, I should say, I do not think that life care planning conversations really should take place during the holidays. I think it's very difficult to take a conversation that you already know is going to be emotionally loaded and kind of stack it on top of a situation where for most of us, the holidays already come with their own high emotions. Now, they're not all bad emotions, or challenging emotions, not all holidays are difficult, but if everybody's kind of emotionally charged anyway, I don't always think it's a good idea to try to load on the conversation about life care planning, on top of something that you know is already going to be difficult. And that would be an expectation to set with your family as well. I mean, I certainly have known many situations where people are sitting around, you know, Christmas dinner, or New Year's dinner, and someone says, "Dad, we should talk about getting a will for you." For myself, I would automatically speak up and say "I do not think this is the right time or place, we should absolutely schedule a time to do that, but it's not to say that it's not tonight, it's not right here." I'm telling you that I would go so far as to leave that table, if whoever it was, was insisting on talking about that. I just don't think that's setting anybody up for success. I think that when it comes to setting expectations around the holidays in general, that we have to remember that we need to do it. One of the examples I always like to use is if people are coming over to your house, and you don't want people drinking, tell them in advance. You say "We're not going to have any liquor at my house for this holiday situation." Now people might get mad, people might push back about that ,but you have every right to say there won't be any drinking at my house this year, if for whatever reason that's important to you. Or if all you want is wine and beer, then you tell people that. And even if the only reason you're doing that, is because you have a single relative who always abuses it, it's still okay for you to say that. And there are so many opportunities around the holidays for us to set expectations like that. I would say start with situations that you're probably going to be the most uncomfortable with and make sure that you have expectation discussions in advance, if at all possible. Right and I think that will make the holidays feel less heavy and people probably will be able to come to the holidays and they'll know what to expect. If you've laid boundaries, and I know you're big on this Kay. Setting boundaries, we know what to expect. I mean, I think about this even with my kids and my husband. If we're going into a weekend, what's going on this weekend? If no one knows what's going on, they almost flail, right? We want expectations, we want a schedule and same thing with the holidays, our families, in work, in all areas of our life. I think setting proper expectations is so important so that we can not just survive the holidays, but thrive in the holidays. That's exactly what we need is really to think about how to set things up so that everybody has their best chance to be their best selves. You know, I really think it takes the pressure off when you set those expectations in advance. And you say something like, "We can't have any dogs at our house, or we're not gonna have any drinking at my house." Because then I mean, I'm telling you, someone is still going to show up with their dog, someone is still going to show up with a big bottle of rum in their hand. And it kind of takes the pressure off when you can say "I already said that we can't have this here at my house. So we're going to have to work something out." And you can just be so much more loving about everything when you've made those decisions in advance and you can just keep communicating them. Will people still get mad at you? Probably. But that's just not something you have to be responsible for. If you have family members who are well known for breaking all expectations and being disrespectful in that way, then at least you can be prepared for how to handle people like that. Yeah, I would imagine tone plays a big part of this? Tone can play a big part of it, but I like to be really careful about reminding people who's responsible for what. So I'm only responsible for telling you the information that I have, and what's in my heart and for being honest. And I can say using whatever words I want, and whatever tone and I can set that up, and it can be perfect, and you still might take that and get terribly offended and never talk to me again. So what I'm responsible for is communicating with you as clearly and thoughtfully as I can and what I can't be responsible for is the way you react to that. I literally don't have any way of controlling your reactions. Now, if you are in a situation where you really feel like you're having to do a lot of managing yourself in order to get somebody else to behave, that's probably a relationship that you need some help with because that starts to sound a little bit to me, like, maybe it's codependent. There could be a lot of things going on there. I don't want to try and diagnose anybody. I'm not a psychiatrist, but if you find yourself in a situation where you're spending 95% of your energy managing somebody else's reactions, I just want you to know that's not a healthy adult relationship and that's something to get some help with. Yeah, agree. Seek a counselor or psychologist. A professional to help you in that relationship. Well, I know you talk often about the Human Giver Syndrome. Can you talk to us about this? How can people recognize the habits and begin to heal with the Human Giver Syndrome? Sure, okay, so Human Giver Syndrome is a term that was coined just a few years ago, but it's actually been around for thousands of years. The term was coined by a woman named Kate Manne. She's a doctor of philosophy and the book is called "Down Girl." I think it was published in 2018. I've got a link to that actually on my sources page on my website. And basically what it is, is I'm paraphrasing here, but it is this belief that there are some people who, and these are the givers, who ought to be responsible for the success and the happiness, and the comfort, and the thriving of the people around us, no matter what it costs us. And we are supposed to be willing and happy to drain everything out of ourselves so that the people around us can have what they need and get what they need. What's important to know here is that Human Giver Syndrome, if you identify with this, the way I do, you haven't done something wrong, this is not a problem, you didn't do something to earn this. This is a syndrome in the sense of the whiter society. So this is something that you inherited, it's something that I inherited and I was designated to be a giver. Basically, simply because I was born female and still identify with being female, you know, in all of my roles, wife, mom, caregiver, I'm expected to be female. And part of a big part of Human Giver Syndrome, at least in our culture, has to do with your gender identity. And there are really anybody who would be underrepresented or a minority, much more likely to identify with being a human giver. And if you find yourself feeling resentful, always knowing that you're pouring everything out of yourself for somebody else's sake. If you find that you're in relationships where the expectation is that you will jump, every time somebody around you need something. Those are some real, really good indicators that you probably are being identified as a human giver, whether or not you know this is going on or knew what was going on beforehand. And those are some things to really pay attention to because what it means is you're probably putting yourself last in most situations and look, I myself identify very closely with this. I don't let it run my life anymore. Now that I've learned to be able to see it. I can behave in ways where I get to say to the people around me, you know, I matter too. I'm important too. My sleep matters, right? A big one if you find yourself not getting a good night's sleep because instead you are tending to everything else for everybody else, and that could be cleaning your house, that could be staying up late to take care of someone, that could be going to bed at midnight or one in the morning because you really want to stay up and make the perfect cupcakes for somebody's classroom. You know, those are all the kinds of things we really do to try to prove ourselves that we're good enough givers. And it's a pretty vicious cycle. So I've been there many times. So this almost sounds like people pleasing to me are these similar Kay? The behaviors of people pleasing, I would also say the behaviors of perfectionism, because that's my personal poison. They look a lot alike, but you know, when I look in, into myself, when I'm aware of what I'm doing, sometimes what I do, I'm sure it looks like people pleasing. I happen to know that my motivation is perfectionism, rather than people pleasing. So that's a little bit different. But, you know, when you get rewarded for people pleasing behavior, or perfectionistic behavior, that can line up with Human Giver Syndrome. I see that so much. I see you nodding along there, Kelly, can you identify? Yea I can identify with some of this, Kay. I feel like been there done that. I think the older I get, I am getting better at saying no, and getting better at setting boundaries. And it sounds like setting boundaries is a way to begin to heal from Human Giver Syndrome. Would you say that's one way to work through it ?For sure. Okay. It's setting expectations and setting boundaries. Now, of course, there was a lot more to it. And I just want to go on record saying, setting expectations and setting boundaries is not easy to do, especially if you've lived most of your life without boundaries. Learning to do that is really, really hard. It is also the single fastest way to start taking better care of yourself, and really start to push back against the expectations that come with Human Giver Syndrome. So you know, learning to say no, that's pretty painful and I don't actually know that it ever gets all that much easier. I mean, it's been something that I've had to learn to do. I mean, just in the last few years, a lot, especially during the pandemic when everybody was home with me, but what I will tell you is that even if it doesn't get easier necessarily, you build the skills. So it's like weightlifting, you know, does it get easier to lift a heavy weight, I mean, I don't necessarily know that it gets easier, but it becomes possible and it's because you've got all the skills and all the training that you need, so that when you walk up to that barbell, you can lift it when you need to. And that's kind of the way boundaries work. To me it's like muscle memory, right? We train our bodies on how to do it and so, you know, the next time that opportunity comes up for us to say yes or no, we've had that experience already and we can set those expectations and boundaries. And let me tell you, one thing that I know about myself is that when I have to say no to something, I'm going to have a moment of pretty serious anxiety, and maybe even a little bit of panic, and I'm probably going to feel guilty. And I might feel like garbage for a little bit if I have to say no. What I've learned is just to accept that that's part of my process. I used to try and change it and I was putting so much effort into I don't know, fixing myself, like I shouldn't feel anxious when I have to say no. And it was probably about three years ago that I started kind of giving myself permission to just be who I am. And if when I need to say no to somebody, that means that I'm gonna get butterflies in my stomach, I'm gonna get anxious, I'm gonna feel a little guilty. I'm okay with that. That can just be part of my process. Oh my gosh, it taking that pressure off of myself to change as well as to learn to say no, has made such a difference for me because now when I do have that anxiety, I just have that anxiety and it's not really a big deal. It's just something I have to go through. Right and you set that expectation for yourself. Right? Yes, you got it. Yeah. You're like, I'm going to get butterflies and that's okay. Right. It's totally okay. Nothing has gone wrong here. I'm not broken. It's just part of my process and that has made a huge difference for me. That's great, Kay. Any other advice on how people can plan for care to live? Well yea, get help. Get the help that you need, you know, reach out to Kelly to get some help with the planning services that she offers. But there's an organization out there called"The Conversation Project." It's the conversationproject.org. I'll make sure that we get a link for that. Yeah, their work is magnificent. They talk about literally how to have a dinner party where you talk about life care planning and the different skills that you need. Gosh, I just think don't be isolated. If you think it's hard, and if you aren't doing it because you don't know how to do it on your own, or it's too hard to do alone, that's a big clue that it's time to get help from a community from a coach like me, I mean, just get help. Humans were made to be in community with each other and be in relationships with people, especially when things get really hard and if you're talking to someone who's a professional, it's literally part of their job to understand how hard it is. And they're the best people to help you so if you're really stuck, find ways to get help. Great advice. And lastly, Kay, where can people find out more information about you? My website is at facilitatoronfire.net and that'll take you just right to a links page. I actually have a free community called "The Boundaries Community." It's a little bit like a Facebook group, but I don't have it on Facebook because I don't love Facebook. So I host that and another private social media network elsewhere. And you can find that at facilitatoronfire.net/boundaries. If you're looking for my podcast, that is at facilitatoronfire.net/podcast. Wonderful, Kay, so great to talk to you. Thank you for sharing some time with us and giving the wisdom that you have in your space and caregiving and being an advocate for caregivers. Appreciate you! Have a wonderful holiday season and have a great day! Thank you, Kelly, talk to you soon. Bye.

Welcome
Why people don't plan for long term care
Learning the language of deescalating a conversation
It's ok to put yourself in the conversation
CLTC commercial - show sponsor
How to set expectations around long term care conversations and around the holidays in general
Human Giver Syndrome
Setting expectations and boundaries
How people can plan for care to live well
Contact info for Kay Coughlin